The 25 Funniest Political Quotes of 2008

After two consecutive long holiday weekends, many of us can use a laugh before getting back to work full time on Monday. Daniel Kurtzman has compiled a list The 25 Funniest Political Quotes of 2008:

1. “I can see Russia from my house!” –Tina Fey, impersonating Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live (Watch video1)

2. On undecided voters: “I look at these people and can’t quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention? To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of sh*t with bits of broken glass in it? To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.” —David Sedaris2

3. “This campaign needed the common touch of a working man. After all, it began so long ago with the heralded arrival of a man known to Oprah Winfrey as ‘The One.’ Being a friend and colleague of Barack, I just called him ‘That One.'” –John McCain, in his comedy routine3 at the Al Smith Dinner

4. “Even in this room full of proud Manhattan Democrats. I can’t shake that feeling that some people here are pulling for me … I’m delighted to see you here tonight, Hillary.” –John McCain, at the Al Smith Dinner

5. “Who is Barack Obama? Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father Jor-El to save the Planet Earth. Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for ‘That One.’ And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn’t think I’d ever run for president. If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it’s possible that I’m a little too awesome.” –Barack Obama, in his comedy routine4 at the Al Smith Dinner

6. “He looks like a guy who’s backed over his own mailbox … He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors … He looks like the guy who picks up his TV remote when the phone rings … He looks like the guy at the movies whose wife has to repeat everything.” –David Letterman (Read more of Letterman’s jabs at Old Man McCain5)

7. “After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born.” –Jon Stewart, on Barack Obama’s Middle East trip

8. “This doesn’t smell right. This is not the way a tested hero behaves. Somebody’s putting something in his Metamucil.” –David Letterman, on John McCain suspending his campaign and canceling his appearance on the “Late Show”6

9. “McCain suspended his campaign, said the debate had to be canceled, he went to Washington, screwed up the deal, and then un-suspended his campaign and flew to the debate even though there wasn’t a deal. Usually when a 72-year-old man acts this way, this is when the kids start calling nursing homes.” –Bill Maher

10. On taking sides in the election: “If you, out of nowhere, are going to grab a woman out of the woods and make her your vice presidential candidate, what can I do? [Sarah Palin] is like Jodie Foster in the movie ‘Nell.’ They just found her, and she was speaking her own special language. Have you noticed how [Palin’s] rallies have begun to take on the characteristics of the last days of the Weimar Republic? In Florida, she asked ‘Who is Barack Obama?’ Hey, lady, we just met YOU five f**ing weeks ago.” –Jon Stewart

11. “Things aren’t looking good for Hillary. Like a lot of women in Washington, I think she’s just starting to realize she may have slept with Bill Clinton for nothing.” –Jay Leno

12. “I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers.” –Tina Fey, impersonating Sarah Palin in the VP debate (Watch video7)

13. “Sarah Palin was asked a question by a third grader and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does … She says he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know I would never accuse George Bush of being a bright man, but when he was elected, at least he knew which building to show up to.” –Bill Maher

14. “He looks like the photo that comes with the frame … He looks like a tennis pro at a restricted country club … He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping … He looks like the closer at a Cadillac dealership.” –David Letterman, on Mitt Romney (Read more of Letterman’s Romney ridicule8)

15. “In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. Or, as Democrats call it, Barack Obama.” –Bill Maher

16. “According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Gov. Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant.” –Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”

17. “Lisa Druck, or Rielle Hunter, says she enjoyed her affair with John Edwards but the sex got a little weird. He’d chase her around the room asking her to pretend to be an ambulance.” –Ann Coulter

18. “A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, ‘Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'” –Jay Leno

19. “If he’s the answer, then the question must be ridiculous.” –New York Gov. David Patterson, on John McCain at his speech at the Democratic National Convention

20. “At a time of great crisis with mortgage foreclosures and autos, he says we only have one president at a time. I’m afraid that overstates the number of presidents we have. He’s got to remedy that situation.” –Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA), calling on President-elect Obama to play a more significant role on economic issues

21. “If we were a dog food, they would take us off the shelf.” –Rep. Thomas M. Davis III (R-Va.), in a memo to colleagues about the problem with the Republican brand

22. “Senator McCain’s not here. He probably wanted to distance himself from me a little bit. You know, he’s not alone. Jenna’s moving out too. Hillary Clinton couldn’t get in because of sniper fire and Senator Obama’s at church.” –President Bush, in his at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner

23. “Now he tells us that he’s the one who’s gonna take on the old boys network. The old boys network? In the McCain campaign that’s called a staff meeting. Come on!” –Barack Obama, about John McCain

24. “I’ve been sleeping like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry.” –John McCain, talking to Jay Leno about his election loss

25. “I had a baby. I did some traveling; I very briefly expanded my wardrobe.” –Sarah Palin, updating the Republican Governor’s Association on what she’d been doing since last year’s meeting

Bonus quote: “Let’s be clear: None of these guys made me. This great nation made me. So vote for me. God bless America and forget these three idiots.” –Mike Huckabee on the dispute between Conan O’Brien, Stephen Colbert, and Jon Stewart over who made Mike Huckabee

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