Quote of the Day: Jimmy Kimmel Being Intentionally Humorous & Sarah Palin Being Even Funnier

“Amazon announced plans for an amazing service called Amazon Prime Air. When you order something from Amazon that weighs five pounds or less, a robot will drop your package on your doorstep. It’s all part of Amazon’s pledge to drive your dog insane…

“You know in some countries seeing an unmanned drone means your village is about to be destroyed. In America it means you ordered Mad Men on Blu-ray.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Bonus Humor:

Check out Sarah Palin at Liberty University lashing out against “angry atheists” who want to “abort Christ from Christmas.” She also said:

If you lose that foundation, John Adams was implicitly warning us, then we will not follow our constitution, there will be no reason to follow our constitution because it is a moral and religious people who understand that there is something greater than self, we are to live selflessly, and we are to be held accountable by our creator, so that is what our constitution is based on, so those revisionists, those in the lamestream media, especially, who would want to ignore what our founders actually thought, felt and wrote about in our charters of liberty – well, that’s why I call them the lamestream media.

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Quote of the Day: Jimmy Kimmel on the Shutdown

“A lot of things are shut down. The CDC, the Centers for Disease Control, is shut down. That means they might have to cancel flu season this year.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Fallon, O’Brien, Letterman, Leno, Ferguson & Kimmel On The Shutdown

“The government shutdown – no one knows when the government will be back up and running. So if you’ve ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant – Leap of Faith Sushi.” –Conan O’Brien

“Senator Ted Cruz announced he’s donating his paycheck during the shutdown to charity. Well, the charity is called Ted Cruz for President.” –Conan O’Brien

“People have events in the national parks and they’re canceled because of the shutdown. There was a KKK rally scheduled to be held in a national park that was canceled. This was bad news for the KKK but good news for the park’s black bears.” –Conan O’Brien

“Even the NSA is out of business. And while they’re closed, while the government is shut down, they are asking citizens to please spy on each other.” –David Letterman

“Well, last night we got to see how ‘Breaking Bad’ ended, and tonight we get to see how the federal government ends.” –Jay Leno

“So far the ones hit hardest by the government shutdown are tourists because all the national parks are closed. Where will people go for anonymous sex? We still have the airport bathrooms, but that’s only for Senators, and we can’t all use that.” –Craig Ferguson

“In one final burst, ‘Breaking Bad’ character Walter White broke into the House of Representatives and demanded that Obamacare be repealed or he would blow up the country. Wait a minute, I might have been watching CNN.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Late Night Comics On The Election Results

David Letterman:

“Well, it’s over, and as usual, the guy from Kenya won.”

“Obama won last night, and for the Democrats that’s great, so we’ll just have to wait and see what happens in tonight’s debate.”

“It was a big night for the Democrats. Obama was on the electoral vote and the popular vote. Mitt Romney on the other side won the unpopular vote.”

“Some Republicans are taking it hard. Clint Eastwood spent the entire day buying drinks for an empty bar stool.”

“A victory like this is just the kind of thing that might sway the undecided voters.”

“The had a CBS exit poll last night. 100 percent of the people questioned in the exit poll said they were leaving.”

“Mitt waited until 1 a.m. to give his concession speech. They were talking to him and said what are you going to do now? And he said, ‘I plan to spend some time with my tax returns.’”

“Mitt Romney was very gracious in his remarks in his concession speech. Shortly after Mitt Romney conceded, Paul Ryan was untied and set free.”

Jay Leno:

“Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders.”

“Some more good news – the president announced today he is not going to raise taxes on the entire 1 percent, just Donald Trump.”

“Trump is not giving up. When it was announced that President Obama easily won the Electoral College, Trump demanded to see Obama’s Electoral College records.”

“Donald Trump is starting to lose it. At one point last night on Twitter, he called for revolution since Obama won. The man’s a billionaire who owns golf courses, okay. You don’t call for revolution. Billionaires are the first ones beheaded during a revolution.”

“This morning the stock met plunged over 300 points. You know why? Romney pulled his money out.”

Conan O’Brien:

“In his victory speech last night, President Obama told his daughters that they would not be getting another dog. When asked why, the president said, ‘Because I just made Mitt Romney my bitch.”

After 18 months, the election is over. You know what made a big difference last night? The Hispanic vote. The president got 70 percent of the Hispanic vote in Colorado and Nevada. And in New Hampshire, Obama got the support of both Latino guys.”

“Mitt Romney did well with certain voters. It was close. He had the support of men, people over 45, and married women. In other words, Mitt Romney had the support of Mitt and Ann Romney.”

Jimmy Kimmel:

“A lot of people said over the last few weeks that if Obama wins, they’re going to move to Canada. How come nobody threatens to move to Mexico? That must be depressing for them.”

“The presidential election is that special time every four years when Americans gather around their TVs to be reminded where the states are on a map.”

“Colorado and Washington have become the first states to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. That’s a big deal because here in California, you can use marijuana legally only if you receive it for a fake medical condition.”

Jimmy Fallon:

“Today everyone was busy looking at all the different numbers, trying to figure out who voted for which candidate. President Obama beat Mitt Romney by 38 points among single women. They say it’s because of Obama’s final campaign slogan, ‘Hope and Pinot Grigio.’”

“There’s talk that ABC news anchor Diane Sawyer seemed drunk on the air last night. Sawyer was like, ‘Breaking news — we are now calling . . . my ex-boyfriend Nick to see what HE’S up to these days.’”

Jon Stewart:

For those who can’t watch video, Mediaite provides this description:

Stewart joked that Obama’s victory speech appeared to show that he was given “fresh batteries” for his second term, marveling at how all it took to get the president back in his “groove” was the mere thought of never having to run in another election ever again. Stewart brought up victories for gay marriage and marijuana proponents in a number of states, and said the undisputed “best news” of the night was that even though Florida is still too close to call, “the election was decided without them.”

“Florida’s clusterfuckery is irrelevant!” Stewart happily shouted.

He then turned to Fox News, which was “caught flat-footed” after months of brushing aside the polls and predicting that Mitt Romney would win. And that’s when Stewart got around to the amazing, insane moment of panic on the network that Stewart said, unlike all of humanity, “will… live forever.”

Stewart was amazed that Rove’s insistent denials that Ohio was really a lock for Obama got Megyn Kelly to suggest that Rove was either lying to himself or to the audience in doing his own math. And Stewart actually managed to come up with an alternate slogan to Fox’s “Fair and Balanced”: “Math you do as a Republican to make yourself feel better.”

But of course, Stewart then tracked Kelly’s “voyage” through the halls of Fox News to find out the truth of what really happened in Ohio, going so far as to confront the people at Fox News’ very own election desk. As Stewart phrased it, “there was an avalanche on Bullshit Mountain.”

Stewart ended by tearing into the Fox News personalities who were amazed at how many Americans voted for Obama because they want more entitlements. He mocked them for thinking that they would have won if not for minorities taking the country away from older white people (a.k.a. Fox’s audience).

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Quote of the Day

“Mitt Romney was on ‘Live With Kelly and Michael.’ At one point Mitt was asked what he wears to bed. He said as little as possible. It’s the same philosophy that Mitt has in regard to paying taxes.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Bonus Quote:

“Mitt Romney went on live with Kelly and Michael and tried to answer these hardball questions. He was asked what he wears to bed. He said, ‘as little as possible.” Wow, there’s a switch, Romney giving too much information.” –Bill Maher

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Quote of the Day

“President Obama came out with approval of same-sex marriage. He said that over the years, he has been going through an evolution on the issue. That makes opponents on the far right doubly angry. They don’t believe in gay marriage OR evolution.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Barack Obama at the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner

Video of Barack Obama at the White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner.

The Hill quoted jokes about Republicans and dogs:

As Romney has often critiqued the president’s affinity for the Harvard faculty lounge, Obama noted that the former Massachusetts governor and he both had Harvard degrees. “I have one and he has two,” he said. “What a snob.”

Obama also brought up a theme that has hounded him recently.

In retaliation for Democrats harping on the old story of Romney tying the family dog to the roof of the car, many conservatives have pointed out that Obama ate dog when he was a boy in Indonesia — an admission he wrote in his memoirs years ago. The president tied the dog issue into jokes about a few other popular topics.

In reference to Sarah Palin: “What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull? A pit bull is delicious.”

About politics being a rough game: “My step father always told me it’s a boy eat dog world out there.”

On the rise of super-PACs: The president came equipped with his own mock super-PAC ad that promised “America’s dogs cannot afford four more years of Obama; that is 28 years for them.”

Check out the full video for satire of Republican attack ads and Obama’s secret agenda for his second term. He had even more material prepared, but had to leave to get the Secret Service home in time for their new curfew.

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Quote of the Day

“Rick Santorum’s approval rating is 33 percent. His sweater vest comes in at 17 percent.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Quote of the Day

“Now that he’s back home Herman Cain’s wife has a huge to-do list for him. 1. Clean out the garage. 2. Go live in it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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Quote of the Day

‎”Michele Bachmann says she won’t rest until Obamacare is repealed. Or until she kidnaps all 101 Dalmatians.” –Jimmy Kimmel

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