Quote of the Day: Letterman Corrects Donald Trump On Global Warming

“Donald Trump says today’s cold weather proves there’s no global warming. Strictly speaking, global warming doesn’t mean every day it’s going to be raging hot or that every day is hotter than the year before. It’s the same way that ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ doesn’t mean you’re going to see actual celebrities.” –David Letterman

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Quote of the Day

“Anybody try to sign up for the Obamacare? It’s impossible, and everybody’s furious. The Republicans are upset about Obamacare because something they tried to stop now won’t get started.” –David Letterman

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Quote of the Day: David Letterman on the Shutdown

“It’s day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king?” –David Letterman

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Quote of the Day

“So former President George W. Bush had to go into the hospital, had a little heart surgery and he’s OK, but he blames it all on the fatty foods served by White House butler Forest Whitaker.”

“Doctors told him to avoid any heavy exertion, so that means no reading. He had a little touch of coronary artery disease. One of his arteries was clogged with old Al Gore ballots.” –David Letterman on George W. Bush’s recent stent insertion.

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Quote of the Day

“Republicans have accused Carlos Danger of being in the United States illegally.” –David Letterman

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Quote of the Day: Expanded Royal Baby Edition

Here’s an expanded edition for quotes about the royal baby–because a compilation of Anthony Weiner jokes would just be too long. Here’s my favorite jokes about the royal baby from five different late night comedians.

“Buckingham Palace announced the child’s gender. I wish they’d do the same with Camilla.” –David Letterman

“The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as ‘Boy George.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Everybody is still talking about the other baby, the royal baby. In fact, I saw that President Obama released a statement congratulating Prince William and Kate Middleton on the birth of their son. Then he said, ‘And whatever you do – hang on to that birth certificate.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The royal baby has left the hospital. He will now go to one of the royal estates, where he will rest comfortably – for the next 80 years.” –Jay Leno

“The royal baby is set to inherit $1 billion. In fact, he’s so rich that he’s already dating a girl half his age.” –Conan O’Brien

 

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Quote of the Day

“According to the polls, Anthony Weiner is the favorite to become the next mayor of New York City. How many of you have seen the Weiner poll? Anthony Weiner is out front. Isn’t that what got him into trouble in the first place? It’ll be a long campaign. All the guy has to do is stick it out. I hope the guy doesn’t get cocky. Weiner has a firm lead and his popularity is swelling.” –David Letterman

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Quote of the Day

“The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it.” –David Letterman

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David Letterman On Someone Else Getting The Tonight Show (Again)

“How many folks earlier today saw the white smoke coming out of the chimney at NBC? I got a call from my mom today. She says, ‘Well, David, I see you didn’t get ‘The Tonight Show’ again.’” –David Letterman

“Didn’t we just go through this? Jay Leno is being replaced — this is the second time this has happened. It’s crazy. He’s being replaced by a younger late-night host. What could possibly go wrong?” –David Letterman

“But NBC, bless them, announced the official date for Jay Leno’s departure. No mention of his official date of return, however.” –David Letterman

And a bonus quote from Jay Leno:

“Things move so quickly. Jimmy hasn’t even taken over yet and the rumors have already started — like NBC says in five years they plan to replace Jimmy with Justin Bieber.” –Jay Leno

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Quote of the Day

“Last year there was some trouble at the White House’s Easter egg hunt. One kid looking for eggs turned up Obama’s birth certificate.” –David Letterman

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