Late Night Comics Post Trump Victory

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Trump doesn’t even believe in the existence of global warming, having tweeted: “The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive,” and calling global warming “very expensive BS.” Of course, “Very Expensive BS” is also the motto for Trump University.  –Stephen Colbert

(The New York Times reports that Donald Trump has agreed to settle the lawsuits over Trump University for $25 million.)

Trump is now receiving the classified daily intelligence briefing known as “the book,” making it the only book he owns that doesn’t have his picture on it. –Stephen Colbert

Experts say one of the biggest threats facing Donald Trump’s presidency could be North Korea. Evidently, Kim Jong Un is so incompetent and unstable, they’re worried Trump will give him a Cabinet post.  –Conan O’Brien

(Actually the problem isn’t so much that his top picks are incompetent as that they are racist and extremists.)

Donald Trump said the transition is going well and he has spoken to “many foreign leaders.” Then someone had to explain to Trump that Barack Obama is not a “foreign leader.” –Conan O’Brien

There are reports that Bill Clinton encouraged Donald Trump to run for president. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, “It hasn’t been this tense around my house since … well, you know…”  –Conan O’Brien

While President Obama met with Donald Trump, Michelle Obama met privately with Melania Trump. Michelle said, “It’s a pleasure to welcome you and Donald to the White House.” Melania said, “It is a pleasure to welcome you and Donald to the White House.” –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary underperformed among women, African-Americans, Hispanics, and young voters. Really the only place she did very well was among pollsters. –Jimmy Kimmel

Late Night Comics On Donald Trump

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In an interview, Newt Gingrich accused Megyn Kelly of being more interested in sex than public policy. Then Kelly explained that everyone is more interested in sex than public policy. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump’s campaign has to be getting a little worried because of some of the new poll numbers. Even Trump himself actually admitted that he’s somewhat behind in the polls but not by much. But remember, this is a guy that thinks a million dollars from your dad is just a small loan. –Jimmy Fallon

On Friday, a massive cyber-attack brought down several websites for 11 hours, including Twitter. Experts say it was the best thing to happen to Donald Trump’s campaign in weeks. –Jimmy Fallon

Trump has received his first and only endorsement from a major newspaper — the Las Vegas Review-Journal said that Trump does not represent the danger his critics claim. Which is not exactly a ringing endorsement. That’s like a restaurant review that says this place probably won’t even give you food poisoning. –James Corden

Many news outlets are saying Donald Trump will almost certainly pivot to media and launch his own TV network after the election. Which means as early as next year we could see Trump TV filing for bankruptcy. –Seth Meyers

Quote Of The Day: Conan on Hillary’s Coughing Spell

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It’s come out that Hillary Clinton is having a hard time connecting with millennial voters. So now she’s saying that last week’s coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit.–Conan O’Brien

Related headline from McClatchy:

Young voters to Clinton: We can’t stand you

Conan O’Brien on Hillary Clinton

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Hillary Clinton received her first classified briefing as the Democratic nominee. Conan O’Brien had this to say: “On Saturday, Hillary Clinton will receive her first official intelligence briefing as a candidate. Officials plan to tell Hillary about threats to U.S. cybersecurity such as Russia, China, and her.”

Related jokes from Conan:

“According to Hillary Clinton’s newly-released medical records, she suffers from seasonal allergies. But she just takes some Benadryl and they’re all deleted.”

“Experts say Hillary Clinton’s campaign strategy is to ignore the controversies, and just run out the clock. By the way, that also happens to be Hillary Clinton’s marital strategy.”

Late Night Comics On Hillary Clinton

Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton said this weekend that she’s going to be at all the presidential debates, despite Trump protesting the schedule. Hillary said that even if Trump doesn’t show, she’s changed her positions enough that she can just debate herself. –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton supporters had a fundraiser tonight at a cyber security convention in Las Vegas; all the proceeds will go toward teaching Hillary how to use her email account. –Jimmy Kimmel

Turns out Melania Trump’s professional website has been deleted following allegations that she lied about graduating from college. She just deleted the whole thing. As if copying Michelle Obama wasn’t enough, now she’s copying Hillary Clinton. –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention this evening. And there was an awkward moment when she finished the speech and said, “Now where’s my check?” –Conan O’Brien

(After Hillary Clinton broke the glass ceiling) Donald Trump vowed that when he is president he will replace the broken glass ceiling with a reinforced titanium steel ceiling and that women are going to pay for it. –James Corden

Of course, it’s the Democratic Convention, which began last night. There were several big moments, and by the end, everyone was chanting “I’m With Her!” Unfortunately for Hillary, they were talking about Michelle Obama. –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is now leading Hillary Clinton by 28 points with white voters without a college degree. However, Hillary is ahead by 98 points with voters who went to Trump University. –Conan O’Brien

Quote of the Day: Conan on Clinton

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Although Hillary Clinton was cleared of charges in the investigation of her deleted emails, her actions were described by the FBI as “extremely reckless.” However in her defense, the report pointed out that she was Hillary reckless, not Bill reckless. –Conan O’Brien

Late Night Comics On The Presidential Candidates

Trump Clinton Celebrity Death Match

“The NRA on Friday endorsed Donald Trump for president. I guess that reaffirms their commitment to absolutely zero background checks.” –Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she would like to see the FBI investigation of her emails wrapped up. Hillary then said, ‘Or deleted, whatever is easiest.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump tweeted that a Hillary Clinton presidency would be ‘four more years of stupidity.’ As opposed to a Trump presidency, which would be one year of stupidity followed by three years of war with Mexico.” –Conan O’Brien

“Meanwhile, Trump says that he’s narrowed his list of candidates down to four or five. Though, if it’s a woman, she’ll definitely be a 10.”  –Stephen Colbertt

“Despite her promises to be tough on Wall Street, a new report has found that groups supporting Hillary Clinton have received $25 million from the financial industry using so-called shadow banks. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders has received a new waffle iron for opening a savings account.” –Seth Meyers

“And last night he shocked the world when he gave his victory speech using a teleprompter. A teleprompter. This from a guy who got this far by shouting whatever comes into his mind. Trump using a teleprompter is like the Flash calling an Uber, Aquaman taking a ferry, or Bernie Sanders using a comb.” –Stephen Colbert

“NASA scientists have discovered over 1,200 planets that are possibly habitable — where humans could live. In other words, if Donald Trump does become president, Canada’s not your only option.” –Conan O’Brien

“One of the ways that Trump is treating the convention like a reality show is holding off announcing his running mate. As one Trumpling said, ‘Announcing the vice-presidential nominee before the convention is like announcing the winner of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ before the final show is on the air.’ It’s an apt metaphor, because this year’s Republican convention will be the series finale of America.” –Stephen Colbert

“The latest polls show Hillary Clinton now leads Donald Trump by 12 points nationally. I guess she’s getting some traction from her new slogan, ‘Come with me, if you want to live.'” –Seth Meyers

Quote of the Day: Conan O’Brien on Clinton and Trump

The Week Liars

“It’s tough this year. I’m worried Hillary’s a liar, and I’m worried Trump’s not.” –Conan O’Brien

Quote of the Day: Conan O’Brien and Stephen Colbert on Hillary Clinton

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“A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination.” –Conan O’Brien

Bonus Quotes

“The State Department finally released their report on her use of a private email server. They found that she did not ask permission, and if she had, the answer would have been no. Which is one of the top reasons to not ask permission, by the way.”
“Even when you do give Hillary Clinton a clear ‘no,’ what she hears is, ‘Try again in eight years.'” –Stephen Colbert

“Troubling news for Hillary Clinton. The FBI says as part of its investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails, it may call her in to speak to them. No word yet on how much Hillary’s planning to charge. Could be as much as three grand, $300,000.” –Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan is ‘Stronger Together.’ Which replaces her old slogan, ‘Goddammit, It’s My Turn!'” –Conan O’Brien

Quote of the Day: Conan On Trump

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A former speechwriter for John McCain said Donald Trump has an unstable personality. This is coming from the guy who wrote the words, “Please welcome my running mate, Sarah Palin.” –Conan O’Brien