Quote of the Day: Conan on The State of the Union Address

“At last night’s State of the Union address, President Obama renewed his call for a path to citizenship for illegal aliens. Yeah, that was popular. Even more popular, though, was his roadblock to citizenship for Justin Bieber. That went over huge.” –Conan O’Brien

Please Share

Quote of the Day: More Conan on Megyn Kelly

“Fox News host Megyn Kelly now says she was just kidding when she said Santa Claus is white. However, she’s standing by her statement that the Grinch who stole Christmas, definitely Jewish.” –Conan O’Brien

Please Share

Quote of the Day: Conan on Megyn Kelly

“Yesterday Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly told viewers that Santa Claus is white. Then she said Santa’s elves are Mexican and they are stealing jobs from American elves.” –Conan O’Brien

Please Share

Quote of the Day

“President Obama shook hands with Cuban dictator Raul Castro. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘Foreign communist shakes hands with the leader of Cuba.’” Conan O’Brien

Please Share

Quote of the Day

“This is a crazy story. For two decades, the secret launch code for America’s nuclear missiles was 0000000000. Even more amazing, George W. Bush forgot it twice.” –Conan O’Brien

In case anyone missed it the launch codes really were a string of zeros in order to reduce any potential delay in launching. I bet Stanley Kubrick would have used this in Doctor Strangelove if he was aware of this fact.

Please Share

Quote of the Day: Conan on Rand Paul’s Plagiarism

“Rand Paul has been accused of cheating in three separate instances. When asked about the charges, Paul said, ‘Four score and seven years ago…’” –Conan O’Brien

Please Share

Fallon, O’Brien, Letterman, Leno, Ferguson & Kimmel On The Shutdown

“The government shutdown – no one knows when the government will be back up and running. So if you’ve ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now.” –Jimmy Fallon

“The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant – Leap of Faith Sushi.” –Conan O’Brien

“Senator Ted Cruz announced he’s donating his paycheck during the shutdown to charity. Well, the charity is called Ted Cruz for President.” –Conan O’Brien

“People have events in the national parks and they’re canceled because of the shutdown. There was a KKK rally scheduled to be held in a national park that was canceled. This was bad news for the KKK but good news for the park’s black bears.” –Conan O’Brien

“Even the NSA is out of business. And while they’re closed, while the government is shut down, they are asking citizens to please spy on each other.” –David Letterman

“Well, last night we got to see how ‘Breaking Bad’ ended, and tonight we get to see how the federal government ends.” –Jay Leno

“So far the ones hit hardest by the government shutdown are tourists because all the national parks are closed. Where will people go for anonymous sex? We still have the airport bathrooms, but that’s only for Senators, and we can’t all use that.” –Craig Ferguson

“In one final burst, ‘Breaking Bad’ character Walter White broke into the House of Representatives and demanded that Obamacare be repealed or he would blow up the country. Wait a minute, I might have been watching CNN.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Please Share

Quote of the Day

“Today Syria agreed to a tentative plan to send all of its chemical weapons to Russia. Vladimir Putin said those weapons better not be gay.” –Conan O’Brien

Please Share

Quote of the Day: Gender Pay Gap

“According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job.” –Conan O’Brien

In a related item, Hanna Rosin writes at Slate that the claim that “women make 77 cents to every man’s dollar” is false, with differences in pay being far more complex than women receiving a lower rate of pay for doing the exact same work as men. She looked at factors including hours worked (with women on the average working fewer hours), different career choices, and career interruption by women.

This isn’t to say that there isn’t some degree of discrimination, but I can also see there being claims based upon comparing apples and oranges, and sometimes an exaggerated feeling of victimization.  I once had a female employee believe she was the victim of discrimination for receiving a lower bonus (which was proportional to hours worked) than a male employee who both did significant things she did not do and (the real factor determining the difference) worked more hours. The actual hourly wage for both was exactly the same.

Please Share

Quote of the Day: Expanded Royal Baby Edition

Here’s an expanded edition for quotes about the royal baby–because a compilation of Anthony Weiner jokes would just be too long. Here’s my favorite jokes about the royal baby from five different late night comedians.

“Buckingham Palace announced the child’s gender. I wish they’d do the same with Camilla.” –David Letterman

“The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as ‘Boy George.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Everybody is still talking about the other baby, the royal baby. In fact, I saw that President Obama released a statement congratulating Prince William and Kate Middleton on the birth of their son. Then he said, ‘And whatever you do – hang on to that birth certificate.’” –Jimmy Fallon

“The royal baby has left the hospital. He will now go to one of the royal estates, where he will rest comfortably – for the next 80 years.” –Jay Leno

“The royal baby is set to inherit $1 billion. In fact, he’s so rich that he’s already dating a girl half his age.” –Conan O’Brien

 

Please Share