Late Night Comics On Hillary Clinton

Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton said this weekend that she’s going to be at all the presidential debates, despite Trump protesting the schedule. Hillary said that even if Trump doesn’t show, she’s changed her positions enough that she can just debate herself. –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton supporters had a fundraiser tonight at a cyber security convention in Las Vegas; all the proceeds will go toward teaching Hillary how to use her email account. –Jimmy Kimmel

Turns out Melania Trump’s professional website has been deleted following allegations that she lied about graduating from college. She just deleted the whole thing. As if copying Michelle Obama wasn’t enough, now she’s copying Hillary Clinton. –Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention this evening. And there was an awkward moment when she finished the speech and said, “Now where’s my check?” –Conan O’Brien

(After Hillary Clinton broke the glass ceiling) Donald Trump vowed that when he is president he will replace the broken glass ceiling with a reinforced titanium steel ceiling and that women are going to pay for it. –James Corden

Of course, it’s the Democratic Convention, which began last night. There were several big moments, and by the end, everyone was chanting “I’m With Her!” Unfortunately for Hillary, they were talking about Michelle Obama. –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is now leading Hillary Clinton by 28 points with white voters without a college degree. However, Hillary is ahead by 98 points with voters who went to Trump University. –Conan O’Brien

Quote of the Day: Conan on Clinton

Conan Photo

Although Hillary Clinton was cleared of charges in the investigation of her deleted emails, her actions were described by the FBI as “extremely reckless.” However in her defense, the report pointed out that she was Hillary reckless, not Bill reckless. –Conan O’Brien

Late Night Comics On The Presidential Candidates

Trump Clinton Celebrity Death Match

“The NRA on Friday endorsed Donald Trump for president. I guess that reaffirms their commitment to absolutely zero background checks.” –Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she would like to see the FBI investigation of her emails wrapped up. Hillary then said, ‘Or deleted, whatever is easiest.'” –Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump tweeted that a Hillary Clinton presidency would be ‘four more years of stupidity.’ As opposed to a Trump presidency, which would be one year of stupidity followed by three years of war with Mexico.” –Conan O’Brien

“Meanwhile, Trump says that he’s narrowed his list of candidates down to four or five. Though, if it’s a woman, she’ll definitely be a 10.”  –Stephen Colbertt

“Despite her promises to be tough on Wall Street, a new report has found that groups supporting Hillary Clinton have received $25 million from the financial industry using so-called shadow banks. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders has received a new waffle iron for opening a savings account.” –Seth Meyers

“And last night he shocked the world when he gave his victory speech using a teleprompter. A teleprompter. This from a guy who got this far by shouting whatever comes into his mind. Trump using a teleprompter is like the Flash calling an Uber, Aquaman taking a ferry, or Bernie Sanders using a comb.” –Stephen Colbert

“NASA scientists have discovered over 1,200 planets that are possibly habitable — where humans could live. In other words, if Donald Trump does become president, Canada’s not your only option.” –Conan O’Brien

“One of the ways that Trump is treating the convention like a reality show is holding off announcing his running mate. As one Trumpling said, ‘Announcing the vice-presidential nominee before the convention is like announcing the winner of ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ before the final show is on the air.’ It’s an apt metaphor, because this year’s Republican convention will be the series finale of America.” –Stephen Colbert

“The latest polls show Hillary Clinton now leads Donald Trump by 12 points nationally. I guess she’s getting some traction from her new slogan, ‘Come with me, if you want to live.'” –Seth Meyers

Quote of the Day: Conan O’Brien on Clinton and Trump

The Week Liars

“It’s tough this year. I’m worried Hillary’s a liar, and I’m worried Trump’s not.” –Conan O’Brien

Quote of the Day: Conan O’Brien and Stephen Colbert on Hillary Clinton

Conan Photo

“A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination.” –Conan O’Brien

Bonus Quotes

“The State Department finally released their report on her use of a private email server. They found that she did not ask permission, and if she had, the answer would have been no. Which is one of the top reasons to not ask permission, by the way.”
“Even when you do give Hillary Clinton a clear ‘no,’ what she hears is, ‘Try again in eight years.'” –Stephen Colbert

“Troubling news for Hillary Clinton. The FBI says as part of its investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails, it may call her in to speak to them. No word yet on how much Hillary’s planning to charge. Could be as much as three grand, $300,000.” –Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan is ‘Stronger Together.’ Which replaces her old slogan, ‘Goddammit, It’s My Turn!'” –Conan O’Brien

Quote of the Day: Conan On Trump

Conan Photo

A former speechwriter for John McCain said Donald Trump has an unstable personality. This is coming from the guy who wrote the words, “Please welcome my running mate, Sarah Palin.” –Conan O’Brien

Quote of the Day: Jimmy Fallon & Conan O’Brien On Ted Cruz Choosing A Running Mate

This Feb. 21, 2013 photo released by NBC shows Jimmy Fallon, host of "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon," on the set in New York. The program was nominated for an Emmy award for outstanding variety series, Thursday, July 18, 2013. (AP Photo/NBC, Lloyd Bishop)

Today, Carly Fiorina was announced as Ted Cruz’s running mate. Fiorina said it’s always been her lifelong dream to lose twice in the same election. –Jimmy Fallon

Bonus Quote:

Earlier today, despite losing five primaries, Ted Cruz stunned everybody by announcing his vice presidential candidate is Carly Fiorina. This means Fiorina is now just a heartbeat away from never being president. –Conan O’Brien

Quote Of The Day: Conan O’Brien & Seth Meyers On Donald Trump And The Republican Nomination Battle

Conan Photo

It’s come out that President Obama has been allowed to see special advance episodes of the new season of ‘Game of Thrones.’ Obama says he watches ‘Game of Thrones’ to remember what it’s like to have reasonably sane people compete for leadership –Conan O’Brien

Bonus Quotes:

It’s being reported that the Democrats have a plan to “shatter the Republican Party.” When he heard, Donald Trump said, “Beat you to it!” –Conan O’ Brian

A farm in Ohio has the words “NO TRUMP” written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by overhead planes. The craziest part — no one asked the cow to do that. –Seth Meyers

Quote of the Day: Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien & Seth Meyers on Donald Trump

This Feb. 21, 2013 photo released by NBC shows Jimmy Fallon, host of "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon," on the set in New York. The program was nominated for an Emmy award for outstanding variety series, Thursday, July 18, 2013. (AP Photo/NBC, Lloyd Bishop)

“Donald Trump told The Washington Post that he’ll be able to get the United States completely out of debt in eight years. When asked how, Trump was like, ‘Easy, declare bankruptcy and start fresh! It’s fantastic. I’ve done it already. It’s amazing.'” –Jimmy Fallon

Bonus Quotes:

Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, just gave birth last week and she’s already back on the campaign trail for her dad. Ivanka’s friends were like, “Shouldn’t you be with the baby?” And Ivanka was like, “Yeah, I’m campaigning for him.” –Jimmy Fallon

After losing in Wisconsin, there has been a big shake-up in the Trump campaign staff. In fact, the guy in charge of racist comments is now in charge of sexist comments. –Conan O’Brien

People on Wall Street are worried about the negative effects of a Donald Trump presidency. Also worried, people on every street. All the streets. –Seth Meyers

Quote of the Day: Jimmy Fallon & Conan O’Brien on Sarah Palin & Donald Trump

Jimmy Fallon

Sarah Palin just signed a deal to act as a judge on a new reality court TV show. Sarah said she just wants to get a little legal experience before Trump nominates her to the Supreme Court.–Jimmy Fallon

Bonus Quotes:

Conan Photo

Sarah Palin has just signed up to star in her own “Judge Judy”-style reality show. Palin said she knows how to deal with drunks, deadbeat dads, and barroom brawlers — and that’s just her family. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump continues to baffle and astound. A new study found that Donald Trump’s speeches are at a fifth grade level. In other words, he’s speaking two grades above his supporters right now. –Conan O’Brien