Quote of the Day: Conan O’Brien and Stephen Colbert on Hillary Clinton

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“A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination.” –Conan O’Brien

Bonus Quotes

“The State Department finally released their report on her use of a private email server. They found that she did not ask permission, and if she had, the answer would have been no. Which is one of the top reasons to not ask permission, by the way.”
“Even when you do give Hillary Clinton a clear ‘no,’ what she hears is, ‘Try again in eight years.'” –Stephen Colbert

“Troubling news for Hillary Clinton. The FBI says as part of its investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails, it may call her in to speak to them. No word yet on how much Hillary’s planning to charge. Could be as much as three grand, $300,000.” –Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan is ‘Stronger Together.’ Which replaces her old slogan, ‘Goddammit, It’s My Turn!'” –Conan O’Brien

Quote of the Day: Conan On Trump

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A former speechwriter for John McCain said Donald Trump has an unstable personality. This is coming from the guy who wrote the words, “Please welcome my running mate, Sarah Palin.” –Conan O’Brien

Quote of the Day: Jimmy Fallon & Conan O’Brien On Ted Cruz Choosing A Running Mate

This Feb. 21, 2013 photo released by NBC shows Jimmy Fallon, host of "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon," on the set in New York. The program was nominated for an Emmy award for outstanding variety series, Thursday, July 18, 2013. (AP Photo/NBC, Lloyd Bishop)

Today, Carly Fiorina was announced as Ted Cruz’s running mate. Fiorina said it’s always been her lifelong dream to lose twice in the same election. –Jimmy Fallon

Bonus Quote:

Earlier today, despite losing five primaries, Ted Cruz stunned everybody by announcing his vice presidential candidate is Carly Fiorina. This means Fiorina is now just a heartbeat away from never being president. –Conan O’Brien

Quote Of The Day: Conan O’Brien & Seth Meyers On Donald Trump And The Republican Nomination Battle

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It’s come out that President Obama has been allowed to see special advance episodes of the new season of ‘Game of Thrones.’ Obama says he watches ‘Game of Thrones’ to remember what it’s like to have reasonably sane people compete for leadership –Conan O’Brien

Bonus Quotes:

It’s being reported that the Democrats have a plan to “shatter the Republican Party.” When he heard, Donald Trump said, “Beat you to it!” –Conan O’ Brian

A farm in Ohio has the words “NO TRUMP” written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by overhead planes. The craziest part — no one asked the cow to do that. –Seth Meyers

Quote of the Day: Jimmy Fallon, Conan O’Brien & Seth Meyers on Donald Trump

This Feb. 21, 2013 photo released by NBC shows Jimmy Fallon, host of "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon," on the set in New York. The program was nominated for an Emmy award for outstanding variety series, Thursday, July 18, 2013. (AP Photo/NBC, Lloyd Bishop)

“Donald Trump told The Washington Post that he’ll be able to get the United States completely out of debt in eight years. When asked how, Trump was like, ‘Easy, declare bankruptcy and start fresh! It’s fantastic. I’ve done it already. It’s amazing.'” –Jimmy Fallon

Bonus Quotes:

Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, just gave birth last week and she’s already back on the campaign trail for her dad. Ivanka’s friends were like, “Shouldn’t you be with the baby?” And Ivanka was like, “Yeah, I’m campaigning for him.” –Jimmy Fallon

After losing in Wisconsin, there has been a big shake-up in the Trump campaign staff. In fact, the guy in charge of racist comments is now in charge of sexist comments. –Conan O’Brien

People on Wall Street are worried about the negative effects of a Donald Trump presidency. Also worried, people on every street. All the streets. –Seth Meyers

Quote of the Day: Jimmy Fallon & Conan O’Brien on Sarah Palin & Donald Trump

Jimmy Fallon

Sarah Palin just signed a deal to act as a judge on a new reality court TV show. Sarah said she just wants to get a little legal experience before Trump nominates her to the Supreme Court.–Jimmy Fallon

Bonus Quotes:

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Sarah Palin has just signed up to star in her own “Judge Judy”-style reality show. Palin said she knows how to deal with drunks, deadbeat dads, and barroom brawlers — and that’s just her family. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump continues to baffle and astound. A new study found that Donald Trump’s speeches are at a fifth grade level. In other words, he’s speaking two grades above his supporters right now. –Conan O’Brien

Quote of the Day: Conan, Seth Meyers, & Jimmy Fallon on Donald Trump

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Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag. –Conan O’Brien

Bonus Quotes:

It was reported yesterday that an op-ed written by Donald Trump seems to have been blatantly plagiarized from an article written by Dr. Ben Carson days before. People first became suspicious when Trump’s op-ed began, “As a black doctor…”  –Seth Meyers

The hacking group “Anonymous” has apparently declared war against Donald Trump. Of course, hacking him shouldn’t be hard, because if there’s anyone who just uses their name as their password, it’s Donald Trump.  –Jimmy Fallon

At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway. –Jimmy Fallon

A new poll found that the majority of millennials would vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump. Then millennials found out you can’t vote by texting and said, “Never mind!”  –Jimmy Fallon

Quote of the Day: Conan on Hillary Clinton

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“In last night’s Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton said that several times a day, she speaks to God. But never for under $100,000.” – Conan O’Brien

 

Quote of the Day: Conan O’Brien on Lying Republicans

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“Sarah Palin accused Ted Cruz of lying about Ben Carson and stealing the Iowa caucus. This is my favorite thing in politics, when people lie and cheat to get the evangelical Christian vote.” –Conan O’Brien

Quote of the Day: Conan on Why Donald Trump Canceled Trip To Israel

Conan  Monologue

Donald Trump has canceled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, “They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims. My work there is done.” –Conan O’Brien