President Obama Grants Hillary Clinton A Full, Free, & Absolute Pardon For All Crimes Committed As Secretary of State

With the FBI moving onto a new phase of its investigation of Hillary Clinton’s email server, President Obama has granted Hillary Clinton a full, free, and absolute pardon for all crimes committed as Secretary of State. This includes protection against any charges related to mishandling of classified information, as well as influence peddling as Secretary of State due to payments to her husband and the Foundation from parties Clinton was making decisions about.

There was immediate opposition from both the left and right. Anti-war activists expressed concern that the pardon would also protect Clinton from any possible war crimes charges related to her role in Libya and in the Honduran coup.

Donald Trump, in an exclusive interview with CatCo Worldwide Media while campaigning in National City, said that when he is elected he will still prosecute Clinton, stating that Obama’s pardon is not valid as Obama is not a natural born American citizen. During the interview, Trump also bragged about how women love him, and repeated campaign promises to destroy ISIS wherever they may be working, stating that if he was president he would bomb Brussels in response to the recent terrorist attack.

April 1 was also a good day for Clinton as, besides receiving the pardon, she received a Medal of Honor for dodging sniper fire in Bosnia. While previous reports, undoubtedly coming from the vast right-wing conspiracy against Clinton, had question whether this event occurred, we have new video confirming Clinton’s story:

Not everything is going well for Hillary Clinton today. If it wasn’t bad enough that she is being subjected to lies from Bernie Sanders, along environmentalists and from fact-checkers who verify the charges against Clinton, she is under attack from another source, which Sanders also appears to be responsible for:


Hillary Clinton was attacked by a bird on live television this afternoon.

Clinton campaign manager Sheev Palpatine was quick to blame the rival campaign of the late Bernie Sanders for orchestrating the attack.

“We have evidence that proves Sanders was recently associating with a bird in Portland,” said Palpatine. “These attacks will not be tolerated. We already have an army of the nation’s finest bird lawyers working on our best legal options.”

Political analyst and bird watcher John James Audubon III claims that if the Sander’s campaign has actually tapped into the bird constituency, then it could mark the turn of the electoral battle…

Update: Related Stories for April 1

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  1. 1
    KP says:

    Got me!

    All the way down to the Honduran coup 🙂

  2. 2
    Ron Chusid says:

    She really is receiving  receiving criticism regarding her role in the Honduran coup. Not that anyone thinks she will need a pardon for that.

  3. 3
    Leila Deurell says:

    This has got to be April fools.

  4. 4
    Clark says:

    Oh, Leila, I'm with you, this has GOT to an April Fools' spoof, gotta be!

  5. 5
    Mike Hatcher says:

    Excellent! My mind was racing about the political fallout from the pardon. I mean a PRE-Pardon, who ever heard of….awwwh! Got me! Good job!

  6. 6
    paintedjaguar says:

    Who ever heard of a pre-pardon? Go look up Ford's unconditional pardon of Nixon, which preempted any trial or indictment. Today this post is just April Fools, but I wouldn't be at all surprised if Obama is right now calculating the timing of Hillary's pardon.

  7. 7
    Mike Hatcher says:

    PaintedJaguar:  I don't have time at the moment, but thanks, I'll check into the history of Ford's pardon. I understand the concept of immunity, but a pre-pardon. Sounds like some medieval selling of indulgences by priests of a certain church I will refrain from naming. 

  8. 8
    Ron Chusid says:

    Ford used the pardon to protect Nixon from criminal prosecution for crimes he committed as president prior to any charges actually being filed. The fictitious scenario here is quite similar (and I based the wording on the wording Ford used). It is just as plausible for Obama to pardon Clinton to protect her against criminal prosecution for crimes she committed as Secretary of State as it was for Ford to pardon Nixon for his crimes as president.

  9. 9
    Mike Hatcher says:

    I followed up on this and found that Ford made it clear to Nixon that Nixon accepting the pardon came with "imputed" guilt. While he didn't have to formally "plead guilty" he could not get the pardon unless he accepted the "guilt" that came with it.  I can imagine, that if it ever got to the point where Hillary couldn't squirm her way out of her guilt, she would be happy to take such a deal and then brazenly proclaim she never "said" she was guilty, therefore her pardon was proof she was innocent.  IMO this correlates well to her "It didn't have any classification on the email" defense. Last evening on NPR I heard a political songwriter talk about having interviewed many people about their political views for his comedic songs.  He mentioned he was surprised to find how many self described Republicans had a positive opinion of Bernie.  I can attest to this as well.  While I and my friends like Cruz, (I know you see him as just as bad or worse than anyone else) my Cruz supporting friends would much rather have Bernie as POTUS than Hillary.  Not because of his positions and policies, but because he seems honest and wants what is best for the country rather than the power crazed proven liar he is running against.  

  10. 10
    Ron Chusid says:

    Plus in Nixon’s case, he resigned the presidency. He worded it based upon doing what was best or the country and being unable to govern with what was going on. I don’t think he ever said anything accepting that he was guilty, but his guilt was quite clear.

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