The Onion Shows Why Edwards is Not Catching on With Voters

I could write endlessly as to why John Edwards’s message will not resonate with most voters but this is unnecessary for those who see this, and I doubt I could satisfactorily explain it for those who don’t. As Bill Clinton said, the era of big government is over. A majority of Americans will back increased government involvement at times, such as in providing affordable health care due to the failure of private systems, but for the most part they are more sympathetic to the unkept promises of Ronald Reagan and his successors to get government off our backs. Democrats lost repeated presidential races, as well as control of Congress, by failing to understand this. John Edwards, perhaps demonstrating that Robert Shrum was right in characterizing him as a lightweight, or as “a Clinton who hadn’t read the books,” has fallen back on tired campaign strategies of promising everything to everybody.

Sometimes satire does the best job of making an idea clear. The Onion does a superb job of capturing the flaws in the Edwards campaign when they “report” that Edwards Vows To End All Bad Things by 2011. In their satiric account, Edwards contrasts himself on bad things, similar to his failed to attempts to distinguish himself from the other candidates on Iraq, by arguing, “Other candidates have plans that would reduce some of the bad things, but I want all of them gone completely.” They claim Edwards has laid out a three step plan:

According to Edwards, his plan is composed of three steps. Everyday bad things, such as curse words and splinters, would be eradicated during his first six months in office. Next, very bad things, including child abduction, soil erosion, and resurgent diseases such as malaria and tuberculosis, would be ended by the the end of 2009. Finally, extremely bad things—plights such as genocide, species extinction, and virtually every form of cancer—would take a full two years to wipe out.

“Racism will soon be a thing of the past,” Edwards said. “Same goes for being picked last for playground athletics, AIDS, robbery, not having enough spending money, and murder. Because these things are bad and not good, I promise they will be eliminated.”

Other bad things the 2004 vice-presidential nominee vowed to end include the housing crisis, skinned knees, frowns, steep staircases, jailbreaks, water that is too cold to swim in, pain, traffic, being tired in the morning, sprained ankles, hunger, not having enough energy at night, teen pregnancy, cases of the blahs, thunder, the high cost of admission to events, type 2 diabetes, games of tic-tac-toe with no clear winner, the lack of parking in urban areas, forgetting birthdays, child prostitution, and confusion.

“Imagine a world free of procrastination, class disparity, and itchiness,” Edwards said. “It will only be possible if we try.”

The article also satirizes Daily Kos and Rudy Giuliani in reporting on their fictitious responses.

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